yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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