i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
