...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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