sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
