remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
