i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
