I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
