the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
