He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
