i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
