who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
