You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
