omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
