It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
