I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
