Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
