I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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