It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
