Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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