I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
