I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
