It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
