I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
