last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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