I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
