Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
