She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
