my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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