The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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