just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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