when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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