she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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