Please, let me fuck your mom
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
