when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
