I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Randomize
