in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
