I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
