I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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