We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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