She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
