so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
