that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
