4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
