Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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