took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
