Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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