Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
