THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
