When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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