He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
