how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
